wages of sin

Day 137

I just read a really terrifying article sent to me by my partner. Basically it outlines how the Western standard 40-hour work week is designed to limit people’s free time and consign them to living out their leisure time on weekends and evenings, where instead of spending quality time doing enjoyable things for free (reading a book, walking through a park, etc.), people spend money to be highly entertained for a short period.

What a sad article. What a sad reality.

“All of America’s well-publicized problems, including obesity, depression, pollution and corruption are what it costs to create and sustain a trillion-dollar economy. For the economy to be ‘healthy’, America has to remain unhealthy. Healthy, happy people don’t feel like they need much they don’t already have, and that means they don’t buy a lot of junk, don’t need to be entertained as much, and they don’t end up watching a lot of commercials.”

— David Cain, raptitude.com

This kind of thing is a reminder of why I hate dislike strongly disagree with (screw it I’m going to go with) hate our consumer culture. The problem with a self-interested capitalism, in my book, is that people are assholes. Sinners yes, but assholes more so.

I deleted a big impending rant about “rich people” because I’m just angry. I don’t want to hate on people who want money and security and all that. I think they’re wrong, in that money will not bring happiness or security, but whatever. (As an aside, do I want to make enough money to be able to travel and do fun things? Yes. I don’t want to be a hypocrite here but I mean there has got to be some kind of reasonable limit. Also, I really respect Bill Gates, because he’s a prime example of someone who is rich as f*** but uses his money and influence to do good things in the world. /aside)

Ultimately, successful businesses do hire more people and give others an opportunity to make money. Cool on that. But if all it does is perpetuate a cycle of spiritual poverty then what is the point?

Some days I want to move to a commune. Some days I want to start a commune.

I just want to gaze into my navel and see God there. Is that so much to ask? 😉


Numbers 20

The people cry out again about being stuck in the wilderness, wondering why there is no water and no food. Moses and Aaron, clearly the “Buddy Cop” duo of this whole story go talk to God once again.

God tells Moses to take his rod and go speak to a rock and the rock will bring forth water for the people. Moses and Aaron go back to the people and I think they have reached their breaking point. Moses condemns the people and declares in Numbers 20:10,

“Must we bring water for you out of this rock?”

The rock, sure enough, cracks open and water spills out, enough for the people and their livestock to drink. But God is not happy.

The problem here is that Moses and Aaron took credit for the whole thing and failed to glorify/acknowledge the Lord. They did not “hallow [Him] in the eyes of the children of Israel” (Numbers 20:12).

For the rest of the chapter, Moses tries to negotiate passage through the land of Edom (ruled by descendents of Esau, who I totally forgot about) and is denied. So Israel journeys elsewhere and ends up at Mount Hor, where God tells Aaron to prepare to die.

The priesthood is transferred to Eleazar, Aaron’s son, and Aaron dies upon the mountain, paying in blood the cost of his rebellion.

Day 121-128

“It will be worth it,” He tells me.

I was driving home from work, thinking, dwelling on, and discussing my iniquity with God. A good part of that iniquity revolves of course around this blog and my shortcomings therewith. I think about God every single day, often throughout the day, and I think about my duties to Him and what I should be doing for Him and for myself.

I guess thinking about those duties and actually doing them are two different things. Anyway, the above thought came into my head from Him when I wondered about how long I would have to deal with these constant struggles and stresses. I essentially asked, “What if I have to wait until the end of my life to finally be at peace?”

“It will be worth it.”

So sayeth the Lord. He hasn’t lied to me yet.


We still have no internet, so I’m using my phone as a hotspot for my laptop. I’m getting really tired of having to do this over and over, because it doesn’t work so well compared to streaming, high-speed cable.

Oh, hey! While I’m updating you about the minutia of my life, I might as well tell whoever is still reading this that I had a discussion with my bosses about how I’m probably clinically depressed! Yay! I’m supposed to be in behavioral health, not, you know… in behavioral health. But this seems to be the reality of the situation. Apparently both of the clinicians at our office have noticed a change in me before I even said anything.

For some reason, finding that out was simultaneously encouraging and heartbreaking. Encouraging because at least I know it’s not all in my head, and heartbreaking because oh God it is actually in my head.

I think that’s the last joke of that format I can do tonight, but I’d like to milk one more if I can swing it. They make me smile.

I’m still trying to read Numbers 4-11. I’m stuck on Numbers 7 and my eyes are glazing over. I don’t think I’ve gotten more than 8 hours of sleep in the past 48 hours and my brain is just fried. Gee, I wonder what on earth could be contributing to my depression?

Oh, Jesus. Chapter 7 is so long. And it’s all offerings!

… It’s all the same offering, over and over. They just copy-pasted this whole thing to mess with me.


Okay, so God once again shows me His mysterious ways. I was going to go through Numbers 4-11, all of them, but honestly they’re about the armies packing up and counting off and setting out and all that business.

And then I arrived at…

Numbers 11

…which is the last of the chapters I had to catch up on today.

I can’t even be mad any more! I was going home, and thinking about a story I heard in church the other week, and how the story was very pertinent to me and had a similar moral to a story I’d written, and just wow. So now, today, I wondered to myself if there is a story in the Bible about a righteous man, perhaps one of the old patriarchs or somebody, who begins to stress out and almost resent their destiny and their duties.

Man, fuck Numbers 11.

In verses 11-15, Moses finally gets fed up of all this bulls*** and rages against God. He wonders why on earth he should have to care for them and shepherd them, asking

“Did I conceive all these people? Did I beget them?”

Moses even asks God to just kill him if this is the life he is to live. So it seems I am far from the first person to feel this way.

God tells Moses that he will have others share the spiritual burden, and also that all the whiners down in the camp who want to eat meat will get their meat. God seems to be just as fed up as Moses:

“You shall eat, not one day, nor two days, nor five days, nor ten days, nor twenty days, but for a whole month, until [meat] comes out of your nostrils and becomes loathsome to you.”

— God to Moses, a message for the Israelites, Numbers 11:19-20

In the end, it’s the people that are going to be fed up. Eh? Eh?

gluttony

He gets it.

Anyway.

Moses is incredulous because he doesn’t know how God is going to provide meat for six hundred thousand people, and wonders if all the fish in the sea are going to be collected for them (Numbers 11:21).

God is like, “What, you don’t trust me? Check dis.” He proceeds to inundate the Israelites with quails. Just like, a bunch of quails that everyone catches and grabs and gets ready to eat.

So they all start feasting and…

“[…] while the meat was still between their teeth, before it was chewed, the wrath of the Lord was aroused against the people, and the Lord struck the people with a very great plague.”

Because that’s what you get when you fuck with the YHWH. Don’t be hatin’ and complainin’, or BOOM! Fuckin’ plagues.

Peace be upon you, motherfuckers! I’m out.