Paran

Day 130

Numbers 13

Sounds like a good horror movie title. Too bad it’s about… let’s see here…

Hebrew spies.

Not exactly the horror movie I was hoping for, but oh well. Maybe an international thriller?

But I digress.

Long story short, God calls upon Moses to send a bunch of spies into Canaan. Moses picks some guys out from each of the houses, and they go check things out. They scout the land, the people, the fruits, the whole shebang.

Forty days later, they come back. With good news and bad news.

Good news is, the land really is everything they could ever want. Good land, good fruits, etc. The bad news is… they can’t win the fight. The people are strong, and there are giants, men of great stature.

Now what?

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Day 129

I really need to go back to church. I feel spiritually distant from God. I can almost imagine what Adam felt, in those first few minutes or hours after eating the fruit, when that slow dread, that feeling of guilt creeps up…. When I sit myself down in front of the computer and pull up this blog, I feel sometimes like this is my communion with God, this is the time that I dedicate to Him and to our … whatever it is that we’ve got going on.

And so there are days when I don’t want to write, when I don’t want to confront myself and bare myself to God because I know that I’m unworthy. I want to hide my guilt and my shame away from God so that I do not have to acknowledge it. Too bad it doesn’t work that way, right?

I feel like this is why there are (in popular imagination if not in real life) a lot of deathbed conversions. I think in our last moments we realize that no matter how much we thought we had figured out, we are suddenly confronted with a great mystery, the great end of our life and consciousness, and we know not what comes after but we fear the darkness; we dread non-life. Because ultimately life is all we know.

And in the end, the question “Why have you forsaken me?” comes not from us to God, but from God to us, the sinners, for it was we who turned from Him, and not the other way around.

And I don’t know about the rest of you, but when confronted with that question, I weep. I am ashamed… but am I ashamed enough to change? I am ashamed now, but will I listen to that feeling and do what needs to be done?

I really had to force myself to sit down and do this. I’m three days behind, and I don’t have any good excuses. I didn’t work yesterday or the day before, but I still couldn’t didn’t bring myself to do this simple task.

Numbers 12

So, in Numbers 12, we have Aaron and his wife Miriam who seem to have some kind of kosher beef with Moses. Specifically, they get all snarky (it seems) with God, and ask if maybe God speaks through others and not just Moses.

God tells them that if He wants a prophet, He’ll give the prophet some crazy dreams, but it is only Moses to whom He speaks face to face. So God gets upset with them, and he pulls a Last Crusade on Miriam and withers her into a leper. Aaron and Moses sort of freak out about this, because I mean come on, but God says look, put her out of the camp for seven days, and then off you go. Let her dwell on her shame for seven days.

Maybe that’s what I need? God, I hope not.

Anyway, they leave Hazeroth (World of Warcraft, anyone?) and head to the Wilderness of Paran.

So endeth Numbers 12. Peace be upon you.