Moses

Day 130

Numbers 13

Sounds like a good horror movie title. Too bad it’s about… let’s see here…

Hebrew spies.

Not exactly the horror movie I was hoping for, but oh well. Maybe an international thriller?

But I digress.

Long story short, God calls upon Moses to send a bunch of spies into Canaan. Moses picks some guys out from each of the houses, and they go check things out. They scout the land, the people, the fruits, the whole shebang.

Forty days later, they come back. With good news and bad news.

Good news is, the land really is everything they could ever want. Good land, good fruits, etc. The bad news is… they can’t win the fight. The people are strong, and there are giants, men of great stature.

Now what?

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Day 129

I really need to go back to church. I feel spiritually distant from God. I can almost imagine what Adam felt, in those first few minutes or hours after eating the fruit, when that slow dread, that feeling of guilt creeps up…. When I sit myself down in front of the computer and pull up this blog, I feel sometimes like this is my communion with God, this is the time that I dedicate to Him and to our … whatever it is that we’ve got going on.

And so there are days when I don’t want to write, when I don’t want to confront myself and bare myself to God because I know that I’m unworthy. I want to hide my guilt and my shame away from God so that I do not have to acknowledge it. Too bad it doesn’t work that way, right?

I feel like this is why there are (in popular imagination if not in real life) a lot of deathbed conversions. I think in our last moments we realize that no matter how much we thought we had figured out, we are suddenly confronted with a great mystery, the great end of our life and consciousness, and we know not what comes after but we fear the darkness; we dread non-life. Because ultimately life is all we know.

And in the end, the question “Why have you forsaken me?” comes not from us to God, but from God to us, the sinners, for it was we who turned from Him, and not the other way around.

And I don’t know about the rest of you, but when confronted with that question, I weep. I am ashamed… but am I ashamed enough to change? I am ashamed now, but will I listen to that feeling and do what needs to be done?

I really had to force myself to sit down and do this. I’m three days behind, and I don’t have any good excuses. I didn’t work yesterday or the day before, but I still couldn’t didn’t bring myself to do this simple task.

Numbers 12

So, in Numbers 12, we have Aaron and his wife Miriam who seem to have some kind of kosher beef with Moses. Specifically, they get all snarky (it seems) with God, and ask if maybe God speaks through others and not just Moses.

God tells them that if He wants a prophet, He’ll give the prophet some crazy dreams, but it is only Moses to whom He speaks face to face. So God gets upset with them, and he pulls a Last Crusade on Miriam and withers her into a leper. Aaron and Moses sort of freak out about this, because I mean come on, but God says look, put her out of the camp for seven days, and then off you go. Let her dwell on her shame for seven days.

Maybe that’s what I need? God, I hope not.

Anyway, they leave Hazeroth (World of Warcraft, anyone?) and head to the Wilderness of Paran.

So endeth Numbers 12. Peace be upon you.

Day 120

So this was supposed to go up yesterday but I figure since I’m waiting for the tire shop to repair my punctured front right, I might as well get an update done.

Blah. I don’t know who i’m trying to kid. I’m exhausted and starving over here. And by starving I mean hungry. I probably have a couple dozen tons of life-sustaining body fat on me; I’ll be fine.

Numbers 3

You know, this chapter isn’t very long, but it sure seems long when it’s all math and genealogy. Houses of so-and-so this, and son of so-and-so that.

Also, since now we’re going back to Aaron and Moses talking to God on Mount Sinai, it seems that this whole darn section is told out of chronological order. I can see why someone would want to write a chronological Bible, but I have no idea how much research or guessing it would take to get this whole book in order. Oy.

Anyway, God explains to Moses that when he took (read: killed) all the firstborn of Egypt, he took (read: appropriated, maybe? Sanctified?) all the firstborn of Israel. But, because babies make terrible temple guardians, but more likely because coordinating and demanding responsibility from a bunch of different people from different tribes is a pain in God’s butt, God has sanctified and appointed the Levites in exchange for all the firstborn of Israel. So He has Moses take a census.

All the Levite males from one month old on up number 22,000. All the firstborn males of Israel from one month old and above number 22,273. So there is a 273 person difference.

God tells Moses to cover the difference, so Moses takes 5 shekels of redemption payment per person, as per the Lord’s instruction, and gives the money, all 1,365 shekels to the family of Aaron.

Done and done.

Peace be upon you!

Day 118

It’s been an odd day. I woke up to some distressing but maybe good news from a dear friend of mine and shortly thereafter my partner texts me to tell me that William H. Branham was a false prophet. Alrighty then.

I countered with 1 Thessalonians 5:20, which reads

Do not treat prophecies with contempt but test them all; hold on to what is good.

But anyway. I’m just saying. I wasn’t there to see this guy but I’d find it hard to defend Biblically that he was sent to be the prophet of the end times. But hey, what do I know?

Anyway, I’m going to keep this brief. I have to update from my phone because we have no internet here at home. The water and gas bill were more pressing than the cable bill.

Today we move onto…

The Fourth Book of Moses called
NUMBERS

So here in Numbers 1 we have the Lord telling Moses to number the men from each tribe that are older than twenty, which is apparently the fighting age.

When I first read the counts, one tribe alone was in the tens of thousands, and my eyes popped wide open. In total, the armies of the Israelites numbered (there’s that word again!) around 600,000 soldiers. Damn, those Hebrews have been making some babies!

Anyway, I’ll wait til tomorrow or the next day to do my big “Numbers” header. My wrists are tired from having to text all this, so I bid you adieu.

Peace be upon you.

Day 117

I have this project that I want to work on that is completely unrelated to this project but I’m hesitant/afraid to start it because I know I’m going to suck at it for a while. I tell the kids I work with that “sucking at something is the first step to getting really really good at something,” which is roughly a quote from Adventure Time but I can’t seem to actually follow through on that myself.

I met some interesting folk today. If they were angels, they were cleverly disguised, but to stretch the metaphor, it seems most of them are. I noticed an older man observing me while I was working with some of my kids (clients) today. We were at a “natural foods” grocery store and the man struck up a conversation with me asking essentially what I was doing working with these four native kids. I didn’t go into the whole “behavioral health” aspect of my job, since he didn’t seem like he had the right idea about their lives/circumstances, so I just told him it was part of like a summer program.

We talked for a short while, his very old wife remaining quiet, and at one point he asked me about church, if I or my program were affiliated with any particular church. I told him there’s one I’ve gone to a couple times (not true, but will be true as of Sunday morning) but that I work for a private company. He seemed really nice overall and said as much about me. I forget his exact words but he seemed to think highly of me, either for how I presented myself or my line of work or both.

He seemed to think I was a sharp kid when I was able to answer “the casinos” to the question “How do the Indians scalp the white man these days?” He wasn’t joking, either. He was just sort of making a statement.

It was an interesting conversation.

But it turns out that he and his roughly-twenty-years-his-senior wife are followers of a man named William H. Branham, of whom I have never heard. Apparently he was a minister called to be some sort of prophet by God. The elderly woman I spoke to claimed that he put his hand over a blind girl’s face and she was able to open a pair of brand new blue eyes. They stressed that it was not Branham’s power, but God’s power that did this.

Sometimes, I don’t know what to believe.


Leviticus 27

See, when I get cocky about being able to “understand” the Bible, I get stuff like this. Maybe it was appropriate that this man I spoke to today said something about human interpretation of the Bible always being flawed. Maybe that was the hidden message of the conversation. Or maybe I’m human and misinterpreted it.

Anyway, let’s see what Matthew Henry can clear up about this chapter, because all this talk of “valuation” doesn’t seem to have any context and so I don’t know what anyone’s talking about.

Matthew Henry didn’t help, but this site did. Over here at Bible.org, they offer this helpful definition:

Simply viewed, offering a vow is practicing a kind of “credit card” act of worship. It is a promise to worship God with a certain offering in the future, motivated by gratitude for God’s grace in the life of the offerer. The reason for the delay in making the offering was that the offerer was not able, at that moment to make the offering. The vow was made, promising to offer something to God if God would intervene on behalf of the individual, making the offering possible. In many instances, the vow was made in a time of great danger or need. The Rabbis believed that the gifts which were vowed in Leviticus 27 were to be used for the maintenance of the Temple.

Apparently the long and short of it is that you could vow stuff to God and if you ever wanted it back (???) then you could pay money and get it back. I guess.

Anyway, this is the last section of commandments from God to Moses on Mount Sinai. Hoo-rah.

Tomorrow begins Numbers, people. Get ready.

Have a good night, and peace be upon you.

Day 116

Views are dwindling from their already dwindled state. This is what happens when I don’t update for a week.

Also, I re-read yesterday’s post to laugh again at some of my own jokes (23:skiddoo! What a killer!) and realized that I censored several words but did not censor the word “fuck.”

notsmartOh well. Onward and upward…


Leviticus 26

After 50 chapters of Genesis and 40 of Exodus, Leviticus feels so darn short. I’m glad I caught up, though. I really don’t want to miss the first day of NUMBERS. Why is it called Numbers? Who knows? Probably lots of people. But soon I will be one of those people!

*ahem*

So this chapter is kind of cool. God speaks and tells Moses that by following God and keeping His commandments, that all will be well. The Israelites will have good harvests, peace in their lands, and they will triumph over all their enemies. The people will be fruitful and multiply, they will have new harvests to clear out the old and they will walk upright as a free people.

But if they do not…

If they do not follow the commandments and do not keep the statutes, well then, the earth and the heavens will turn against them, disease shall consume them and sorrow will fill their hearts. The number seven seems to be a recurring theme here.

“I will punish you seven times more…” (Lev 26:18)

“I will bring on you seven times more plagues…” (Lev 26:21)

“I… will chastise you seven times for your sins.” (Lev 26:28)

But seriously, it gets worse. There will be pestilence, plagues, wild beasts, cannibalism, destruction, desolation! The Israelites will be cowards in their hearts and flee before imagined foes!

But!

But there is still hope. Looking back, I forgot that one of the definitions of the word “remember” is

  • bear (someone) in mind by making them a gift or making provision for them.

So when God “remembers” His covenant, it is less that He has forgotten it and it has come back to His mind, but more that He is once again willing to bestow all of His blessings upon the people, for they are once again willing to honor and be faithful to their God.

This requires confession, submission, humility… God asks many things of us, but they are never beyond our reach.

The thing I noticed about this chapter, and I didn’t need Matthew Henry to spell it out for me, thank you very much, is that much of what God threatens to do to the people is also what happens in the heart of an individual that turns away from God.

One who walks with God lives in harmony with the land, and has the courage to stand up to any foe. This man or woman who lives this way is confident yet humble, accepting the world as it is and submitting to the will of God.

But those who turn from God find that God turns from them: to those filled with anger, all things are frustrating; to those filled with sadness, all things are reminders of sorrow. It seems as though the world works against them. They toil and struggle but all in vain. And by continuing to walk this path, their anger, sorrow, and fear will grow stronger; they will tear apart their own families and they will flee from imagined threats. They will be ruled by the cruel and will have neither the courage nor strength to stand tall.

But the old road is never closed, and God’s arms are always open to those who wish to walk with Him.

Amen.

Day 98-105

“It came to pass on the eighth day that the writer finally updated In Excelsis Deo.”

Welcome back, people. I’m alive, and mostly well. I’ve been very busy, apparently too busy for my duty to myself and to God. It feels bad to write that, sort of.

Here’s the thing: I struggled back and forth with doing

A) a series of rapid-fire, single-post updates, or

B) one giant update with everything in it.

I obviously went with option B. My first thought was that I’d just write every post and make each update individually so that I wouldn’t feel as bad about “copping out” and cramming everything together in one big update. But then, I thought, if I feel bad about writing one big update, then maybe I should just do it and accept my shame. Then I thought, what if I’m being prideful about my shame, and parading it around by admitting it, the way people do when they talk about how humble they are?

“Oh, I’m so ashamed of myself! Look at how low I’ve brought myself before God! Look how devoted I actually am! More than you, I bet!”

It’s like I’m ten layers deep into self-aggrandizement. It’s like Asshole-ception.

So I decided to just say “f*** it” and go for it. It’s true that I goofed up, but apparently (partly due to the nature of this blog) I can neither sin nor be forgiven in silence. Part of the point of this blog is to explain my thought process (often in wondrous streams of consciousness) as I read the Bible and (ideally) move closer to an understanding of God and what He means in my life.

But I was struggling with this last night, because all day yesterday I put off this update. I recorded this little gem on my phone, describing my feelings:

“Is this one reason that people give up? That people lose faith? Because they don’t feel they’ll ever be good enough? They feel like they’re just too imperfect, too weak, too animalistic, and that it’ll never change? That they’ll never ever be satisfied? That they’ll never be good enough? Is that why?

I don’t know. Because I know it’s hard to reconcile that with the idea of infinite forgiveness. I don’t know what to tell you.”

I mean, it sucks. This is something I’m seeing, especially in our modern society, where suddenly no one has to feel bad for who they are. That’s good, sort of, but we’re doing it for all the wrong reasons. I once heard some quote about — ah, f*** it, it’s worth looking up:

“There is a cult of ignorance in the United States, and there always has been. The strain of anti-intellectualism has been a constant thread winding its way through our political and cultural life, nurtured by the false notion that democracy means that ‘my ignorance is just as good as your knowledge.'”

— Isaac Asimov, The Cult of Ignorance

So now what we have is a combination of that as well as what C. S. Lewis mentioned when he wrote that we are (paraphrased) “reducing all virtues to kindness.” So there are two things at play: we reduce all virtue to kindness, thus discounting the possibility of submission, faith, etc., as being virtuous, and then we have this attitude that Isaac Asimov described above.

People want to have the right to not be ashamed of themselves, to not feel guilty. To that I say, well, don’t feel guilty. We can’t help what we are, so there’s no sense feeling guilty about it. But shame? Here’s how I see it, and I’m sorry if I’ve written this before.

“We should have the good sense to look ahead, to dream for something bigger and better, so that when we look at ourselves, we are not content with our current state.”

I wish I could say that more fluidly right now, but oh well. You get the gist of it. By aiming for righteousness, by submitting to God’s will and finding the Good that He works in everything, we can look at the way we are now in comparison to what we will become (so to speak), and we can be ashamed of ourselves. Again, no sense in feeling guilty! But I see now that shame can be a very Good thing.

But people don’t want to feel that. Comfort in life may be an incredible burden disguised by our society as the greatest blessing. Everyone wants to be accepted for who they are, to not be discriminated against. And you can find that in God. But here’s the problem: people also want to be told that who they are is okay. God will not tell you that. God says, “I love you for who you are, no matter what, but I love you so much that I want you, I need you, to become better. I cannot bear to see you the way you are now. I love you and I cannot bear to see you suffering in your sin and imperfection.”

We have to love ourselves enough to want more. Being content with our sins is not self-love, maybe self-acceptance at best. But that is only the first step. If we love ourselves as God loves us, we will strive to be better and better, but we will realize, as I did above, that we hit a wall. We can only go so far in these human bodies. This is why we must turn our eyes above.

As a quick aside, I’m surprised more Christians don’t believe in evolution. To me, the idea that we struggle against our animal natures on the path to God is perfectly in line with Christian theology. Divine souls though we may be, we are confined to animal bodies governed by physical laws.

In the Bible, Adam was created to be supposedly “perfect.” The first sin was disobedience, which granted knowledge that led to self-awareness and shame. The ego is the source of sin.

The way I see it is this: humans evolve, but are still essentially animalistic. They are in awe of the world around them because it does not make sense. It appears in many ways to be unpredictable and uncontrollable. Humans, though having small and “crude” tools, essentially rely on the patterns of earth and sky for their sustenance. And then that changed.

Perhaps in the end it was a fruit: an apple, or perhaps as some have suggested, a fig. Something as simple and innocuous as all that. A person ate the fruit, and found smallish bits inside of it, seeds, that fell to the ground. At some point, some one put two and two together: food could be grown on purpose. Suddenly, Man could rely on himself. This is the turning away from God, from nature, from a state of ignorant bliss. Man thought that he knew how to game the system. Man thought he would no longer struggle, no longer hunger and thirst.

But now rules have to be established. People have to work long hours in the fields and grinding grain. Irrigation has to be controlled and monitored lest floods break out. People want to own land, own livestock, own workers or slaves. There needs to be a sense of order. Rulers have to enforce rules. People gain power and abuse it. Over-farming occurs. Lush fertile land reduces into barren desert. The land turns away from Man, the very earth spurns him. Man is brought low and is ashamed.

Some men find God and turn to him, appealing to a higher power, looking for the answer they cannot find by themselves. Some curse God for their misfortune and decide that they can make it work on their own without His help. And so it goes…


Leviticus 8

Alright, now these are going to be rapid-fire updates. Here goes nothing!

Moses takes Aaron and his sons, dresses them up in the prescribed priest’s clothes, they sacrifice some animals, and Moses consecrates Aaron and his boys with oil. Here’s a bunch more rules that you have to follow, the end.

(I know this is half-assed. Deal with it.)


Leviticus 9

Moses explains some things to Aaron about making atonement, not just for himself but for the people of Israel. They sprinkle lots of blood around the altar, several times, I believe. Aaron blesses all the people, comes out from the tabernacle, the Lord appears in all his glory, and consumes the burnt offering in fire. Everyone is awed and falls on their faces.


Leviticus 10

Two of Aaron’s sons, Nadab and Abihu, decide to make an offering or some such thing that was previously forbidden by the Lord. He fries them.

Aaron is understandably upset about this, but Moses basically tells him, hey, look, God said “if people are going to try and come to Me, they need to do it properly and respectfully.” In my opinion, this is so that people will not constantly be making excuses, misinterpreting God’s word and trying to do His work while in reality committing sin against Him. I could see how this would be applicable today.

So anyway, there’s also a thing in here about not getting drunk in the tabernacle so that no one goofs up the sacrifices.

At the end of this chapter, two of Aaron’s sons screw up an offering. Moses rails against them and Aaron explains:

“Look. My boys are grieving. I am grieving. Sorry we were stressed out and couldn’t do it right, but we tried our best to keep the spirit of the offering. I was supposed to be rejoicing over this gift of food, but I am not in the right mind to do so. Do you really think God would have wanted me to eat it and disobey him thusly?”

Moses realizes that Aaron is sincere in his desire to please God, and has done nothing wrong. As long we have that desire sincerely in our hearts, we will eventually begin to do right.

(Credit for this chapter goes to John Wesley’s Explanatory Notes, because I had no idea how to interpret Lev 10:16-20.)


Leviticus 11

Here’s what you can eat, here’s what you can’t eat, here’s what dead animals not to ever touch, here’s how to clean yourself if you do touch them.

Taxonomy Bonus: Apparently bats are birds. (Lev 11:13-19)

Entomology Bonus: Apparently flying insects have four feet. (Lev11:20-25) This one I’m willing to chalk up to translation errors, but who knows.


Leviticus 12

If a lady gives birth, she’s unclean, she needs to be purified, etc. etc. Longer for a female than for a male, apparently.

This passage probably draws a lot of ire, but I interpret it like this: the whole blood and suffering thing that comes along with childbirth should serve as a reminder of our animal natures. Therefore, we should seek to “clean” ourselves afterward, reaffirming our commitment to being cleansed by God. Hell, wait til Leviticus 15, and men get theirs too.


Leviticus 13


Leviticus 14

Here’s the process for ceremoniously cleansing a leper or someone with a skin condition.

Also, if you get mold or whatever in your house, here’s how you guys deal with that. There’s only a moderate chance that you’ll have to tear down the whole house. Wash your clothes, don’t let them get moldy. Nasty.


Leviticus 15

This is the Biblical prescription for STDs. Enjoy that. Anything you sit or lie on or whatever is unclean.

If a man emits semen, he is a filthy animal and needs to wash. If he has sex (but only if he finishes?) then both need to wash.

If a woman is on her period, then for God’s sake, anything she sits on is unclean. If you have sex with her, you’re unclean.

If anyone’s unclean, separate them so that they don’t walk into the tabernacle and get fried.


And that’s the ball game!

Peace be upon you.

 

Day 88

For even just one day, I can do this. One day at a f***ing time.

Today’s post is brought to you by: Elk!

Elk, in regards to these Medicine Cards, represents Stamina. I think this is appropriate at the moment because it has a great deal to do with pacing, something at which I am terrible. It’s funny how when I’m camping, there is no pacing. You do what needs to be done when it needs to be done and there is no difficulty in doing so. And yet here, in this mess of a house, in this mess of a life, I can’t get anything done that I need to.

Case in point, I have probably 2 hours worth of paperwork to do that’s backlogged from about a week ago. There’s no reason it should have gotten this bad.

Elk is a good medicine for today and a good reminder for me.


Exodus 38

Oh, would you look at that! I’m almost up to Leviticus. Gotta get a header ready.

Man, even Matthew Henry doesn’t have much to say about this part of Exodus. They should have called this book “Exposition” because once you get past the whole “leaving Egypt” thing, it’s suddenly a catalog of measurements and repeated descriptions.

I’m going to be honest, this is really very dry. I had to finally look up a tabernacle to see what on earth these people were even building. I gathered that it was some sort of tent, judging by all the descriptions of fabric and curtains. But here’s the picture I found on Wikipedia:

Tabernacle-viewI like the groovy colors on the front gate thing. Basically what I didn’t quite gather from scripture was that this thing was designed to be a portable temple. It’s essentially a big cloth tent that can be set up or taken down as the Hebrews trek around the Middle East.

Interesting. Anyway, two more days and we’ll finish out Exodus and I will move on to book three of the Bible.

Have a good day, everyone. Peace be upon you.

Day 81-84

tuckeranddale

“Hello, officer. We have had a doozy of a day.” ¹

Now I hope you’ve all seen Tucker & Dale vs Evil, but if you haven’t, go do that. It’s what the blog I ripped that picture from calls

“An outstanding horror comedy that fully delivers on its hilarious premise.

But seriously. It’s been a tough week.

I’m seriously considering turning this (at least halfway) into an audio blog. I’m driving myself crazy trying to hit my daily updates. Talking would be much easier. I can talk for days.

Case in point, I almost talked my partner’s ear off about the movie Maleficent. In my opinion, cool premise, poor execution. Could I make a more popular movie? Could I make a better moneymaker? Not likely. But I bet I could tell a more interesting story, given the premise. I might have to. But that’s for another time.

…Did I mention I had a Red Bull?

…like ten hours ago?


Exodus 31

Rapid-fire-Exodus-go! Hyaaaaaa!

Yugi-Exodia

Sorta like this. ²

(Update: I was going to split this into four posts, but I’m so wrapped up in you guys seeing my humorous commentary that I lumped them all into one. But I swear all the chapters of the Bible that were supposed to be in here are in here. It’s not a cop-out, I swear. Don’t judge me!)

So God just finished going over a bunch of shhhhh–stuff with Moses, laying out rules for arks and altars and sacrifices and all kinds of covenant-y stuff. Now He is telling Moses a) the specific people Moses will need to get those things built, and b) a quick reminder to absolutely, I’m not kidding you guys keep the Sabbath day holy. Seriously, if a guy works on the Sabbath, f***in’ kill him.

In the end, Moses comes down with

“two tablets of the Testimony, tablets of stone, written with the finger of God.”

— Exodus 31:18, NKJV

Interesting thing I heard once that is only somewhat relevant: I once read somewhere that in old Hebrew law or tradition or something, when you made a covenant or a deal with someone, you made two copies of the deal so that each person had a copy. The story goes that the two tablets were identical, as “a deal” so to speak had been made between man and God. I forget what the significance (if any) was supposed to be of one party keeping both copies of the agreement, but oh well. Something to look up.


Exodus 32

Alright, people. My partner’s asleep, not feeling so hot, and I’m supposed to be at church for the first time in forever in less than 5 hours. Let’s do this.

So the Israelites, like the most ungrateful little… rackin’-frackin’-sassafras… They’re sitting there waiting for Moses and they finally get bored of not knowing who or what to worship or how for that matter, and so they tell Aaron to fashion them a god. Or gods, depending on translation.

And Aaron, who has been Moses’ voice (so it was implied back in Exodus 4:14) for all this time, says “Sure.” The people give Aaron their gold, and he turns it into a calf. Calfs4Gold, 1-800-GOLDCALF, or visit us online at http://www.calfs4gold.com.  Send us your gold, get calfs now! If I didn’t need to sleep, I would photoshop this. 1000 imaginary points to anyone who takes a “Cash 4 Gold” business sign/ad and fixes it like this. Heck, they’re imaginary; make it a million.

God starts b–

God starts complaining to Moses and telling him what is going on. “Seriously you guys we just went over all this stuff why can’t you follow some simple orders oh for My sake…” And so on.

God gets really mad, Moses tells him to be cool (essentially), and so Moses goes down to take care of this for himself. He gets down, sees the golden calf, and shits a brick. (It’s hard to censor the word “shits.”) Moses drops the f***ing tablets from the f***ing LORD and rips Aaron a new a**hole.

Aaron, meanwhile, is basically like, “Well, I took all this gold and boom, calf. Dunno what to tell you. It happens.” So Moses rounds up the faithful, the line of Levi, and they proceed to reorganize and bring everyone back to God and JUST KIDDING THIS IS THE OLD TESTAMENT THEY F***ING KILL EVERYONE.

bearsharkawesome

Three rows down on a Google image search for “blatant theft” “awesome explosion.” ³

Moses goes and prays to God and asks for forgiveness for the people and God basically tells Moses that those calf-worshiper guys are effed in the A. Shouldn’ta done that, boys and girls!

I’ve almost been up for 24 hours. Does it show?


Exodus 33

So apparently there’s this weird side effect of talking to God where either your face glows like some Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer s*** or you just come back with a goofy-a** grin. Maybe both. They “goofy grin” one I’ve experienced firsthand. As long as I’m not crazy. Which I might be.

Oh whoops, that’s Exodus 34.

Whatever!

In Exodus 33, God comes down as a pillar of cloud and spends some time talking to Moses. Moses utters a pretty good prayer in Exodus 33:13, NKJV:

“Now therefore, I pray, if I have found grace in Your sight, show me now Your way, that I may know You and that I may find grace in Your sight.”

Moses wants to see God in all His glory, but God basically tells him that won’t happen. God tells Moses to hide in “the cleft of [a] rock,” and God covers Moses up, and then walks by so that Moses can get a glimpse of the Lord’s back. Back of the head? God’s traps and lats? Dat butt? Who knows.


Exodus 34

God I’m so tired. Honestly, God just tells Moses to make some new tablets, since Moses f***ing broke the other ones. Then God comes down and basically goes over all the laws of the Law again. He reaffirms the promise that He has made to the Israelites. Moses neither ate or drank for the time he went back up to get the Lord’s triplicate/quadruplicate copies of the Law. So he goes back down, and we get Mr. Glow-Face like I mentioned earlier.

Anyway, folks, that is all. I need to go to bed and be up for church in only 3 hours.

I love you all; thanks for reading. And an extra thanks to my subscribers! You folks encourage me so much.

Peace be upon you.


¹ Tucker & Dale vs Evil, 2010. Image retrieved from: http://horroreffect.blogspot.com/2011/10/tucker-and-dale-vs-evil-super-funny.html

² Yu-Gi-Oh! Takahasi, Kazuki.  Image retrieved from: http://desenhospaint7.blogspot.com/2013/05/desenhos-animes.html

³ FIM Fiction. (That’s My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I cannot guarantee the SFW-ness of this site.) Image retrieved from: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/206371/wheeehoohoohoohoo-one-hundred-follower-ultra-mega-orgy-bonanza-special-extravaganza

Day 65

Exodus 15

These Israelites… Half of this chapter — more than half! — is the lyrics of the Israelites singing the praises of the Lord since he saved them from the Egyptians.

Of course, then they get whiny and start complaining again… I just talked about this with the Jehovah’s Witnesses, about the poison of the tongue. How can the Israelites praise God in one breath, watch themselves be saved, and in the next they doubt and complain?

It is a good thing that God has infinite patience and mercy. God grants Moses the power to make a bitter spring fresh; as God blesses the Israelites with fresh water, so too can he turn clear the murky, bitter waters of our life.

Good day, all. Peace be upon you.