dreams

Day 133

Went to church this morning. I don’t know if I was tired or what but it was not as emotional but it was enlightening. As an update/continuation from yesterday, I did indeed dream last night. It was a dream of war and international strife. I’m not so sure it was an actual war, though, because despite being decked out in combat gear and getting ready to get into a combat-ready vehicle, I think my “unit” was going to bring aid to some area hit by a natural disaster.

It was interesting.

But, in relation to my dream (and last night’s weather), I learned that James and John, two of the Apostles, were called by Jesus the “Sons of Thunder.” Apparently it is suspected that a) this has to do with their temperament or that b) the transliteration is not entirely accurate. I might say a little of both.

The word “revival” was in my head today at church. It’s a good description of my vision of the future, in terms of faith, but it’s already been appropriated and given meaning by various Christian sects. The other thing I got out of church came directly from the sermon, which spoke about finding God’s purpose for oneself.  The pastor talked about how in the Bible, there are many stories about someone waiting and having patience for God to act through them, but the pastor mentioned that it’s not just waiting — another term that is used is preparing.

It gave me a good perspective on my blog: perhaps this three year endeavor is preparation. For what, I can only guess. I sort of hope it’s in line with my vision, but I know that whatever God has me do will be good. He and I had a productive talk last night. I still have a lot to work on. A lot to prepare for.

The other thing, that came into my head while I was driving around for work today was a sort-of answer to a question I’ve had for a long time. So the conundrum goes like this:

The Bible exists. I’m staring at one now.

I have no way of knowing if anything (in general, but that’s another story) that happened in the past is actually true, therefore I can’t know that the Bible is true.

And then it goes on like: then why is it so important? Do I accept it just because I have no reason to believe otherwise? At that point, wouldn’t I believe anything that is equally a) distant in time and b) irrefutable?

So phooey on all that. I mean I know at some point, theoretically, people had to be around to witness events and write them down and its possible that they got embellished over time but how on earth do you explain something like the resurrection being written down but not actually happening because it seems like the kind of thing people would remember very clearly and the issue is that that event is like the whole crux (no pun intended) of Christianity but on the other hand even though overt miracles like that don’t really seem to happen any more the truth of the matter to me seems to be that every moment of our lives is miraculous and who are we as mortals to say that one miracle is more or less miraculous than any other but how in the world do you explain the resurrection using any kind of science because what the eff unless of course Jesus actually was God at which point I guess anything is possible but that can never be proven so then it all has to be accepted on faith which to an outside observer means and does nothing but the truth of the matter is that faith makes real changes in people’s lives.

Yeah, it’s a run-on sentence. What of it?

Anyway, the sort-of answer I got about all this is that ultimately I believe it because I want to believe it. But why? Couldn’t I then believe anything I “wanted” to believe? Isn’t that what everyone does?

So then the next question was, “Why should I want to believe it?” And the answer is tied to what I wrote above about faith: because of what it means to people, what it means to me. It is a transformative faith, one that brings about the betterment of human beings, individually and as a whole. We can be so much more than what we are, and this faith, this book elaborates on how and why that is as well as why we should seek to grow and how to achieve that growth.

I used to believe that we are who we are, and that’s okay. As I’ve said, there’s no guilt in who we are, but we should have the good sense to look higher, look at the possibilities of what could be, and have the good sense to be ashamed of our miserable state. People can suffer so much and yet never seek to change. The Bible has been good to me thus far, and God in combination with the book have done great things in my life. I want to see God do great things in other people’s lives too.

Numbers 16

Rekris. I click away for like a minute and come back and realize how much I wrote. This is part of why I didn’t originally want to do this tonight. Of course, if I weren’t distracted by the rest of the internet I’d probably be fine. Or I’d find a different distraction. My brain is dying fast; I’m super tired and going to wrap this up.

Basically, a bunch of Levites call out Moses saying essentially that they want to take over the priesthood and that Moses can shove it up his ass. So Moses tells them, alright, you’re-so-smart, get your holy censers and your incense and the 250 of you meet me at the tabernacle in the morning.

So this happens. And predictably, God shows up and tells Moses and Aaron to go right ahead and step back because He’s gotta waste some fools. “Consume them in a moment,” He says in Numbers 16:21.

Moses and Aaron convince God to dial it back a notch and just deal with those responsible. So everyone backs up from the tents of Korah, Dathan, and Abiram, the three guys behind this whole debacle. Moses, says look, if I’m not the appointed priest, then these men and their families will die a nice natural death. But if I am, then they’re about to get eaten by the earth.

I’ll give you three guesses as to what happens, and the first two don’t count.

The ground shakes and caves in right below their tents. Them, their stuff, their families, just gone. So the people start freaking out and scattering, but… God just smokes em. Every one of the 250 dissenters is fried by holy fire. Oh, and Aaron takes the consecrated censers to hammer them into a covering for the altar, so commandeth the Lord.

Anyway, the next day, the congregation comes to Moses and Aaron and complains about all the people who died the previous day. God has had about enough, and barely gives Moses and Aaron warning before bringing death down upon the people in a giant wave of wrathful plague. Aaron lights his incense and runs out into the crowd to make atonement and stop the death. Sure enough, we get into a “Hold me back, bro! Hold me back!” situation where the plague literally stops in a line right where Aaron is.

You’d think by now the people would learn to stop messing up, right? Nobody’s perfect. :\

Good night, all. Peace be upon you.

Day 132

Shucks. The power just went out, and with it goes my internet access.

Just now, for a moment, some people in the apartment complex went outside, heading out into the lightning-filled sky to escape the darkness of their homes.

For a moment, I looked at the angry sky, and I understood why man fears God.

For a moment, I wondered how the world would end.

Lightning struck hard in the distance, and I could hear the distant thunder rumbling in waves toward me. Lights flickered and the power came back on. I’m back inside now, and behind me, electrical discharges cascade across the sky while trees thrash about in the wind. I can hear the excited voices of the neighbors and their young girl as they discuss the storm.

I feel very small. But it’s somehow more than that. I feel very mortal.

The power just went off and on again. Darn router is going to keep resetting.

Meanwhile, my partner sleeps in blissful ignorance. She’ll figure it all out tomorrow, or perhaps when I come to bed.

Numbers 15 is interesting, and I found the contrast between “unintentional sin” and “presumptuous sin” to be interesting: when unintentional sin is committed, the community gets together to make a sin offering, but when someone commits a presumptuous sin, he shows that he has “despised the word of the Lord… [and] that person shall be completely cut off; his guilt shall be upon him.” (Numbers 15:31)

I feel as though I have been a disobedient child. I’m not sure how to make it up to my “Father” or to myself, and at this point in my life, my rebel heart is particularly strong. The old animal urges never really go away, do they?

I’m glad I’m going to church in the morning.

That’s all I’m going to talk about tonight. I’d rather not be tied to this computer, staring into this screen. The world is out there.

I’m going to put this away for a while after I’ve updated, and I’m going to sit outside, in awe of the power of God.

Tonight, when I sleep, I will dream a dream of thunder.

Peace be upon you.

Day 42

Writer’s note: I recorded this verbally last night and am now transcribing it. It just feels better for me to explain this since I’m running behind.

Good God. Here I am at 3:16 in the morning, appropriately enough, thinking about what I’m going to write today. I mean, technically I’m writing yesterday’s post, but honestly, after the day I’ve had, too bad. It’ll go up hopefully before dawn, and that’s good enough for me. Tomorrow isn’t quite here yet, so whatever.

So I was thinking about Joseph and his ability to interpret dreams. The dreams that Pharaoh has, he sees seven healthy fat cows, and then seven, ugly, gaunt, skinny cows, and they eat the fat cows, and leave no trace of them. Same thing with stalks of wheat, he sees like seven stalks of wheat and then seven shriveled stalks, or whatever, and the seven shriveled stalks devour the seven full, healthy, stalks. Then his butler, or cupbearer, depending on your translation, remembers, “Oops, hey, Pharaoh, there was a guy in prison that I was totally supposed to tell you about who can interpret dreams.”

Pharaoh goes, “Okay, well, send for him.”

Joseph comes, and he interprets Pharaoh’s dreams. He says, you know, Pharaoh tells him the dreams, and Joseph tells him, “Look, you know, God showed you twice in your dream God showed you two times in your dream to make it real clear. Here’s what’s gonna go down: you’re going to have seven years of plenty, of riches, and you’re going to have seven years of famine. The seven years of famine are going to completely swallow up the seven years of riches and plenty so that not you nor anyone else will even be able to tell that there ever were seven years of plenty.”

So, Pharaoh realizes how wise this guy is, and he can tell that Joseph is a man of God and of great wisdom, and thus, power, and so Pharaoh basically makes him second only to Pharaoh over all of Egypt. He’s basically like, “You’re going to be my right hand man, you’re going to sit here… I need a guy like you to help me.”

Joseph makes sure that during the seven years of plenty, they store up until their stores are full to bursting. He says, “Alright, we’ve got all this stuff. We’re good to go.” When the seven years of famine come, he sells the grain and sells from the stores. People all over are suffering from this famine and Joseph sells from their stock, and despite the famine, they prosper.

So I was thinking about my own dreams, and such, and I thought it was really interesting, because it took me til today, when I was beaten down and exhausted from twelve hours of working and driving and herding children… and it wasn’t until this morning that I… Well, alright. I’ve had a similar thing happen in my dreams twice. Like the way the Pharaoh had seven rich and seven lean and so on, I had two separate dreams, months apart, where I strangled a man to death. My first thought after reading Genesis 41 was, “Am I going to strangle somebody to death? Am I going to get into a position where I have to kill a man with my bare hands?” But I realized in my dreams, the people that I strangled to death were “bad guys.”

The first one was an unidentified agent of a supernatural evil, like, there was a hint in my dream that he was actually a demonic figure. He looked like a man but he was either possessed by some evil force or he was some evil creature in disguise. The second one was a high-ranking Nazi officer, and yeah, I get it, in real life Nazis were human beings and so on, but in my dream, he was an evil man. So, I didn’t realize until just this morning that in both cases, I was snuffed out an evil life.

And see, in real life I’m sort of a pacifist. I don’t think really it’s right to take a human life. I don’t think that’s our call to make. It’s like every man, woman, and child is a world unto themselves, and each person represents something sacred and special. But anyway…

I don’t really think, unless it was an extreme case of self-defense, I don’t think I could bring myself to kill somebody, especially by like, choking them or strangling them with my bare hands.

handsomejack1

“No, no, Jimmy, choking is something you do when you eat too fast. What I’m doing is actually referred to as ‘strangling.'” ¹

The thing I realized this morning as I was leaving my house for work is that in these dreams, I am triumphing over evil. This is the dream that God is showing me, I feel. It just came to me in a moment of inspiration. It was just all of a sudden clear as day, and I went, “Oh, that’s what it means. Duh!” It’s triumphing over evil.

I thought about it for a minute and I was like, “Ooh! Do I conquer all the evils of the world?” and I realized that’s not really realistic, but what I feel that it means that I will conquer the evil within myself. And that’s a pretty satisfying answer; I’m pretty satisfied with that. I mean, I’d like to shoot for conquering more evil, you know, in the world. You know, some bigger evil, some grand-scale evil in the world, and really help eliminate some wickedness and suffering here or there, but conquering the evil within myself would be pretty great. That’s the dream that God has shown me, and I feel pretty good about that.

So if I ever have a dream where I strangle a guy to death, let’s hope he’s a bad guy, because seriously, I need some consistency here, God. But I think two times is all I needed, and of course the second time comes just a few days ago, right before I read Genesis 41, where Pharaoh has two dreams with a parallel meaning, and it’s just interesting, it’s so funny how these things work themselves out.

This is, like, my life: funny not-coincidences. But for as weird as it is and how little I understand it, I wouldn’t have it any other way.


¹ Borderlands 2, Gearbox Software and 2K games. Image accessed from http://leviathyn.com/opinion/2012/12/21/why-handsome-jack-is-my-antagonist-of-the-year/

Day 40

Man! 40 days. If I had started this a week or so earlier I would have been spot on for Lent. How appropriate would that have been?


Genesis 38

So, real quick, we have a brief interlude in Genesis 38 wherein we follow Judah son of Israel and he has a few kids and Er, his son, is wicked and dies and Onan is supposed to “go into” his dead brother’s wife to give his dead brother an heir but he signifies his refusal with a little coitus interruptus and emits on the ground and so God kills him for not impregnating his sister-in-law. So the story goes.

This whole “spilling seed ” business has been used to condemn masturbation, coitus interruptus, and contraception, the first two even being referred to as “onanism.” I think it’s more like, he disobeyed his father and disobeyed God and SMITE you’re dead. I really don’t think the sex thing in and of itself is that big of a deal. But that’s just me.

Some stuff happens, Judah accidentally has sex with her, thinking she is a harlot, and and oops she gets pregnant and has twins. She has proof that it was him, and so he owns up to being the father.


Genesis 39-40

Back to Joseph! He gets taken down to Egypt and becomes a pretty successful slave, as slaves go, and his master’s house was blessed for his sake (Genesis 39:5). Like any good servant/pool boy, he attracts the attention of his master’s wife. She wants him, but he turns her down. This happens over and over, until one day she grabs his clothes and they literally come away when he runs from her.

tearawaypants

Joseph and the Amazing Tear-Away Dreamcoat. ¹

She uses his clothes as “proof” of his advances, and Joseph gets thrown in jail. But God makes it easier on him and makes it so the keeper of the prison trusts him and likes him. End Genesis 39.

In Genesis 40, Joseph is depicted as a wise man (I suppose) because he is godly enough to interpret dreams. The Pharaoh’s baker and butler end up in the prison, and they have strange dreams which Joseph interprets for them. One of them is to be saved in three days and the other to be killed in three days. The butler, who is saved, had been told by Joseph to remember him and to help him get out of the prison. Yet, after being freed,

“the chief butler did not remember Joseph, but forgot him.”

— Genesis 40:23

Sad day! So Joseph is stuck in the prison. Tune in tomorrow, dear readers, for another amazing installment of In Excelsis Deo!

Actually, as much as I want to go to bed, I think it’s funny because I’ve had some strange dreams lately which my (devout Christian) partner was able to interpret for me. Funny how that works. To me it just seemed like my brain finally had some time to collect and sort through all the stuff I’ve been up to, but she did give me some good insight.

For those interested, my dream involved strangling a Nazi officer to death, working with Walter White of Breaking Bad, being threatened by Amazon-style warrior women, and being watched by a teleporting lizard-man with a magic eyeball. No drugs were involved, I promise you.

Goodnight everyone. Peace be upon you!


¹ http://www.ebay.com/itm/Adult-Tear-Away-Pants-Halloween-Holiday-Costume-Stripper-Party-Size-X-Large-44-/360744741407

Day 13

No more weird premonitions of death this time around.

This morning just presented me with an amazing dream: think Terminator: Salvation meets Inspector Gadget, by way of The Incredibles. Or something like that.

Last night is a different story. I got upset, I took something personally and my fear and shame became anger. I lost my temper and I blew up for no good reason. I was afraid to say that I’d never do it again, because I was afraid of making a promise I couldn’t keep, but this project has shown me that I have the dedication. In only 1176 more days I’ll have proven it.

The anger served another purpose, though: it allowed me, in my stress and sorrow following the incident, it allowed me to re-connect spiritually inward, and for the first time in a while I had a full “meeting” with my council of spirit animals. I have neither the time nor the inclination to enumerate them here, but interested readers will learn the details soon.

Anyway, I slept poorly last night and now I have a long, long day of work ahead of me. I’m going to crack open this Bible and get on with…

Genesis 13

Abram leaves Egypt with Sarai and Lot. At this point, Pharaoh didn’t bother to take back any of his stuff it seems, probably because God gave him enough trouble for messing with Abram already. So Abram is a wealthy man and returns to his place and his altar mentioned in Gen 12:8.

The new problem here is that Lot and Abram both have lots of stuff and big herds and they can’t live comfortably in the same area. “There was strife” between their respective teams of herdsmen (Genesis 13:7). Abram tells Lot that it’s time for them to go their separate ways; Lot heads east to the plain of Jordan. This was before Sodom and Gomorrah were destroyed, so sayeth Genesis 13:10, and it seems to me that their destruction must have been “common knowledge” at the time, because this event has not yet been mentioned. The plain of Jordan is “well watered everywhere… like the garden of the Lord,” apparently referring to Eden. So Lot dips out.

Abram is once again told by the Lord to look around, and God reaffirms his promise to grant this land to Abram’s descendents. God once again offers his gifts as soon as Abram returns, ready to have faith and accept them.

“And I will make your descendants as the dust of the earth; so that if a man could number the dust of the earth, then your descendants also could be numbered.”

— God, Genesis 13:16

Once again, Abram settles his tent near the terebinth trees, this time in Hebron.

This guy.

Me again. ¹

So ends Genesis 13, and so begins the rest of my day. Blessings to you all, energy drinks to me…

Peace be upon you.

 

¹ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pistacia_palaestina