covenant

Day 81-84

tuckeranddale

“Hello, officer. We have had a doozy of a day.” ¹

Now I hope you’ve all seen Tucker & Dale vs Evil, but if you haven’t, go do that. It’s what the blog I ripped that picture from calls

“An outstanding horror comedy that fully delivers on its hilarious premise.

But seriously. It’s been a tough week.

I’m seriously considering turning this (at least halfway) into an audio blog. I’m driving myself crazy trying to hit my daily updates. Talking would be much easier. I can talk for days.

Case in point, I almost talked my partner’s ear off about the movie Maleficent. In my opinion, cool premise, poor execution. Could I make a more popular movie? Could I make a better moneymaker? Not likely. But I bet I could tell a more interesting story, given the premise. I might have to. But that’s for another time.

…Did I mention I had a Red Bull?

…like ten hours ago?


Exodus 31

Rapid-fire-Exodus-go! Hyaaaaaa!

Yugi-Exodia

Sorta like this. ²

(Update: I was going to split this into four posts, but I’m so wrapped up in you guys seeing my humorous commentary that I lumped them all into one. But I swear all the chapters of the Bible that were supposed to be in here are in here. It’s not a cop-out, I swear. Don’t judge me!)

So God just finished going over a bunch of shhhhh–stuff with Moses, laying out rules for arks and altars and sacrifices and all kinds of covenant-y stuff. Now He is telling Moses a) the specific people Moses will need to get those things built, and b) a quick reminder to absolutely, I’m not kidding you guys keep the Sabbath day holy. Seriously, if a guy works on the Sabbath, f***in’ kill him.

In the end, Moses comes down with

“two tablets of the Testimony, tablets of stone, written with the finger of God.”

— Exodus 31:18, NKJV

Interesting thing I heard once that is only somewhat relevant: I once read somewhere that in old Hebrew law or tradition or something, when you made a covenant or a deal with someone, you made two copies of the deal so that each person had a copy. The story goes that the two tablets were identical, as “a deal” so to speak had been made between man and God. I forget what the significance (if any) was supposed to be of one party keeping both copies of the agreement, but oh well. Something to look up.


Exodus 32

Alright, people. My partner’s asleep, not feeling so hot, and I’m supposed to be at church for the first time in forever in less than 5 hours. Let’s do this.

So the Israelites, like the most ungrateful little… rackin’-frackin’-sassafras… They’re sitting there waiting for Moses and they finally get bored of not knowing who or what to worship or how for that matter, and so they tell Aaron to fashion them a god. Or gods, depending on translation.

And Aaron, who has been Moses’ voice (so it was implied back in Exodus 4:14) for all this time, says “Sure.” The people give Aaron their gold, and he turns it into a calf. Calfs4Gold, 1-800-GOLDCALF, or visit us online at http://www.calfs4gold.com.  Send us your gold, get calfs now! If I didn’t need to sleep, I would photoshop this. 1000 imaginary points to anyone who takes a “Cash 4 Gold” business sign/ad and fixes it like this. Heck, they’re imaginary; make it a million.

God starts b–

God starts complaining to Moses and telling him what is going on. “Seriously you guys we just went over all this stuff why can’t you follow some simple orders oh for My sake…” And so on.

God gets really mad, Moses tells him to be cool (essentially), and so Moses goes down to take care of this for himself. He gets down, sees the golden calf, and shits a brick. (It’s hard to censor the word “shits.”) Moses drops the f***ing tablets from the f***ing LORD and rips Aaron a new a**hole.

Aaron, meanwhile, is basically like, “Well, I took all this gold and boom, calf. Dunno what to tell you. It happens.” So Moses rounds up the faithful, the line of Levi, and they proceed to reorganize and bring everyone back to God and JUST KIDDING THIS IS THE OLD TESTAMENT THEY F***ING KILL EVERYONE.

bearsharkawesome

Three rows down on a Google image search for “blatant theft” “awesome explosion.” ³

Moses goes and prays to God and asks for forgiveness for the people and God basically tells Moses that those calf-worshiper guys are effed in the A. Shouldn’ta done that, boys and girls!

I’ve almost been up for 24 hours. Does it show?


Exodus 33

So apparently there’s this weird side effect of talking to God where either your face glows like some Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer s*** or you just come back with a goofy-a** grin. Maybe both. They “goofy grin” one I’ve experienced firsthand. As long as I’m not crazy. Which I might be.

Oh whoops, that’s Exodus 34.

Whatever!

In Exodus 33, God comes down as a pillar of cloud and spends some time talking to Moses. Moses utters a pretty good prayer in Exodus 33:13, NKJV:

“Now therefore, I pray, if I have found grace in Your sight, show me now Your way, that I may know You and that I may find grace in Your sight.”

Moses wants to see God in all His glory, but God basically tells him that won’t happen. God tells Moses to hide in “the cleft of [a] rock,” and God covers Moses up, and then walks by so that Moses can get a glimpse of the Lord’s back. Back of the head? God’s traps and lats? Dat butt? Who knows.


Exodus 34

God I’m so tired. Honestly, God just tells Moses to make some new tablets, since Moses f***ing broke the other ones. Then God comes down and basically goes over all the laws of the Law again. He reaffirms the promise that He has made to the Israelites. Moses neither ate or drank for the time he went back up to get the Lord’s triplicate/quadruplicate copies of the Law. So he goes back down, and we get Mr. Glow-Face like I mentioned earlier.

Anyway, folks, that is all. I need to go to bed and be up for church in only 3 hours.

I love you all; thanks for reading. And an extra thanks to my subscribers! You folks encourage me so much.

Peace be upon you.


¹ Tucker & Dale vs Evil, 2010. Image retrieved from: http://horroreffect.blogspot.com/2011/10/tucker-and-dale-vs-evil-super-funny.html

² Yu-Gi-Oh! Takahasi, Kazuki.  Image retrieved from: http://desenhospaint7.blogspot.com/2013/05/desenhos-animes.html

³ FIM Fiction. (That’s My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. I cannot guarantee the SFW-ness of this site.) Image retrieved from: https://www.fimfiction.net/blog/206371/wheeehoohoohoohoo-one-hundred-follower-ultra-mega-orgy-bonanza-special-extravaganza

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Day 17

Time is running short today…

I don’t know where you are or when you’re reading this, but it’s nearly midnight and I’m just starting. This would be a lot easier if this weren’t still a secret from my partner, but oh well. Maybe today’s just doesn’t need to be long.

Hitchhikers

Yesterday I did something out of the ordinary, for me anyway. I was driving to work and I saw two hitchhikers with a shopping cart full of stuff. They needed to go out beyond where I was going. I started to slow down to tell them I couldn’t take them, or to make conversation, or something really stupid, but when I pulled up and rolled my window down, they were so happy that someone had stopped that I just couldn’t say no. I pulled off and loaded all their things up; one of their bags had a very large knife, hunting-style, not kitchen-style, and I made sure it stayed put. I was a little paranoid but they seemed like good people.

It was a nice drive. They were wonderful people who were going through some terrible things. The man, when he worked, did hard labor, mostly construction-type jobs. He had dabbled in various kinds of drugs but only smoked marijuana these days. The woman used to do some sort of care-taking or behavioral health or some such related thing. I don’t know if this is cheesy bullshit or not but these people were vibrant. They didn’t look like much at all on the outside but I could just tell that they were living every single minute.

Perhaps they were not “conscious,” as Eckhart Tolle would say, but damn if they weren’t digging deep into life. I can’t say whether they would have traded it for stability. The woman, again just radiant beneath her dirty hair and sun-browned skin, her story was much sadder than his. She left her husband for the second time; they had been married twice. He never laid a hand on her, she said, but she suffered every other type of abuse. Her children had been taken away, some three years ago, and she had little hope of ever seeing them again. It was neglect, they said, but she called it a kidnapping. Armed officers showed up at her door and took her children and gave them to someone else. She was never found guilty, but her two little girls are somewhere else. Now she’s on the road, and she may never see them again. She started to cry in the car, and all I could do was stare uselessly at my empty tissue box.

Part of me wishes I’d spent the whole day with them, taken them out to dinner, talked to them more. But it was beautiful while it lasted. They were just so positive, heading down, hitchhiking out to the middle of nowhere where his dad lived. I guess that’s really all they had. I don’t even know how they met. Are they friends? Did they fall in love? Who knows?

The craziest part was when the man, all wild blond hair and long, ragged goatee, he tried to offer me money. Not once, but twice. The man had all of two or three dollars to his name and he was going to give it to me for giving them a ride.

And you know what? Honestly I don’t really care what they were. Some people would be so suspicious and worried and whatever and say that they were probably meth addicts or who-knows-what, but I just don’t think so. I don’t know why I stopped, but at that point I was in too deep to back out. The looks on their faces throughout the whole thing, the emotion, the sheer joie de vivre that they possessed in spite of everything. I’m obviously romanticizing the whole thing but I don’t give a shit. They smiled and they laughed and they cried and goddamn they were just out there living it. I can’t help but imagine that as soon as I drove out of sight, they vanished into thin air, two strange, tan, angelic hitchhikers that showed up in my life and were gone just as quickly.

But I hope they didn’t disappear, and I hope that wherever you are, Lance and Theresa, I hope you are doing fine. Damn, I wish I’d gotten a picture.


 

Genesis 17

I don’t even know what the hell to talk about right now. I’m just happy to have shared that story.

In Genesis 17, God outlines His covenant with Abram, who is now dubbed Abraham, for, as God says, “I have made you a father of many nations” (Genesis 17:5). The biggest part of this covenant is circumcision. Most of you are probably familiar with the Jewish practice.

robin_hood_men_in_tights_circumcision

Interested parties will direct their attention to the historical documentary Robin Hood: Men in Tights

God outlines the details for circumcisions, and also lets Abraham know that he will bear a son with his wife, now “Sarah” from “Sarai.” God blesses Ishmael, Abraham’s other son, but tells him that his covenant will be continued with Isaac, his son to be born in a year.

The important thing about this, apparently, according to Matthew Henry, is that Abraham obeyed God and trusted God with the circumcision decree. Granted, Abraham laughed at the idea of a son, since he is 99 years old, but he appears to be laughing out of joy or wonder.

Now I’m making a point not to read ahead, but good God, after reading this, how could I not?

“But let us remember that the true circumcision is that of the heart, by the Spirit, Romans 2:28,29.”

— Matthew Henry²

Just, wow. It’s a good point! A beautiful point. But seriously, read that line out of context. “True circumcision is that of the heart.” Read that a few times, and try and tell me that God doesn’t have a sense of humor.

Good night, all. Peace be upon you.


 

¹ http://www.metacafe.com/watch/hl-6125628/robin_hood_men_in_tights_circumcision/

² http://www.christnotes.org/commentary.php?com=mhc&b=1&c=17

Day 9

One of my three best friends is now the only person who knows the extent of this project. I probably should not have told anyone. I feel as though my drive to complete it has lessened.

Perhaps this is my challenge, and this is my way of overcoming that lazy aspect of my psychology. This is the day when I can tell people of my plans and see them through nonetheless.

I can complete this project. I will complete this project. I must complete this project.

For when I have shown myself that I have the dedication to read the Bible and write every single day for the next three years and then some… I will know that I can do anything.

I am tired today, and from the past week and from yesterday I am fairly overwhelmed. This overwhelmèd-ness probably doesn’t help my mood and my desire to write, but I must press on. I am not a failure and I am not a coward and I will do this; I will complete this project by the grace of God because I must.

So, yay, day 9 (of 1189). Only 1180 more days to go!

Overconfident Drinker

This is pretty much how I feel right now. I know I used Comic Sans. Deal with it!

I better just shut up and get on with it.

Genesis 9

Here we have the end of the flood story. The flood ends, God is satisfied at the offering from Noah, and God gives unto Noah a promise or a covenant. God tells Noah that never again will he destroy the Earth via flood.

A lot of people, including Jehovah’s Witnesses, I believe, use this story and any related later verses as proof of the fact that God will never destroy the Earth. Not now, nor 10 billion years from now. Although explicitly that goes back to yesterday, Genesis 8:21, where the Lord says “nor will I again destroy every living thing as I have done.”

But I suppose destroying the Earth would not necessarily entail destroying all living things. We have space travel now, and we’re getting better at it. We’ve identified several “earth-like” planets, and it’s likely that one or more of them would be habitable. My JW friend once said, describing the Lord not destroying the world, “You don’t build a house for your children just to destroy it.”

His logic is admirable. I told him I disagreed, seeing as the Earth is a tiny fraction of all the matter in the universe, and probably an even tinier fraction of the near-infinite volume of the universe. The number of planets that are like earth in our own galaxy, let alone neighboring galaxies…. Yes, granted, any neighboring galaxy is insanely far away my the standards of modern space travel, but in the future, who knows? I retorted to my friend that “One does not build a cradle for His children and expect them to live in it forever!”

It seemed in the olden days that the garden of Eden, the Fertile Crescent was the cradle of civilization. But our view of the universe has expanded considerably. We are no longer the center of everything. There is a vast emptiness beyond the sky of our tiny planet, and speaking practically, it gives absolutely zero f***s about humanity.

Pale Blue Dot

Yeah, that’s right, Earth. You want some of this? ¹

That tiny pixel circled above is the Earth suspended in a sunbeam as viewed from Voyager 1. Carl Sagan’s writings regarding this image are awesome, and you should read them: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pale_blue_dot#Reflections_by_Sagan

But I digress. So God tells Noah some stuff, like “Don’t eat the flesh while it still has blood,” Genesis 9:4, and “I swear you guys, I won’t do it again.”

The blood thing confused me and especially the continued writings about things like “From the hand of every man’s brother I will require the life of a man” (Genesis 9:5). I turn of course to Matthew Henry. Henry, take it away.

“The main reason of forbidding the eating of blood, doubtless was because the shedding of blood in sacrifices was to keep the worshippers (sic?) in mind of the great atonement; yet it seems intended also to check cruelty, lest men, being used to shed and feed upon the blood of animals, should grow unfeeling to them, and be less shocked at the idea of shedding human blood. Man must not take away his own life. Our lives are God’s, and we must only give them up when he pleases. If we in any way hasten our own death, we are accountable to God for it.” ²

Seems fair? So we have blood sacrifices to keep in mind the necessity of atonement. This is like what my partner told me that I related to all of you a few days ago: before Christ, there was a need to give early man a way to redeem themselves of their sins. So, animal sacrifices and other ways to show humility and faith were necessary. For a time.

So anyway, let’s wrap this up. I have to leave for work in short order.

Noah gets plastered (Genesis 9:21). He seriously cannot handle his alcohol. I get it, Noah, he’s a holy man, God’s chosen to save the world, etc., but really. Even I know my limits. The good Mr. Henry says that we need to be careful not to use God’s gifts to excess. Seems fair. Especially the “green herbs,” if you know what I mean (Genesis 9:3). It’s probably for the best that there’s no record of Noah getting really high.

Double Rainbow

“Oh my God! Double covenant, all the way across the sky!” ³

So, the jerk son of Noah, Ham, goes and gossips about his father. Nope. The other two brothers, Shem and Japheth, don’t look at their naked father but instead cover him with a garment. When Noah woke up, he was expecting to be naked apparently, because after seeing the clothes, he realized that someone had gone gossiping about his nakedness. So he curses Canaan, son of Ham.

Matthew Henry points out that Shem is the father of the Jews, Japheth the father of the gentiles, and Canaan, well, the father of the Canaanites, coincidentally enough. Matthew Henry condemns it, but he points out that this chapter was used for a long time to justify black slavery the world over, since Noah curses Canaan to be a “servant of servants,” pretty much the lowest of the low (Genesis 9:25).

Django

“And buddy, that’s pretty f***ing low.” ª

Anyway, Matthew Henry points out that when Noah prays for God to allow Japheth to “dwell in the tents of Shem,” he is expressing his desire that these families, these groups will someday be united. Mr. Henry asserts that this foretelling will come true through the death and sacrifice of Jesus Christ.

…Who we won’t even see or hear about for another 505 pages of this Bible. Oy.

Have a blessèd day, everybody. Thanks for reading, and peace be upon you.

 

¹ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:PaleBlueDot.jpg

² Henry, Matthew. http://www.christnotes.org/commentary.php?com=mhc&b=1&c=9

³ http://i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/003/128/doublerainbow.jpg

ª http://www.eonline.com/eol_images/Entire_Site/20121112/reg_1024.Django.mh.121212.jpg