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Day 119

Mon Dieu!

Please help. Send internet.

Numbers 2

I’m so exhausted right now; I learned how to build some traditional Native American shelters, so that’s cool.

Anyway, Numbers 2 is basically like Numbers 1 except God explains how the armies of the families will be camped and grouped.

It goes east, south, tabernacle, I think, west, and then north. Each direction has three armies.

Anyway, wow. I feel halfway between passing out and throwing up. I’m going to get some sleep now.

Good night, all. Peace be upon you.

Day 108

Today was slightly nicer than yesterday and I got a lot of frustration out of my system just over the course of work. I also was nearly passing out while doing my job. I can’t wait to go to bed.

I almost skipped this update, to be honest, but I figure I’m on kind of a streak here and I wanted to say something nice after being so angry yesterday.


Leviticus 18

This chapter lists out the laws against incest, bestiality, and homosexuality. That last one, Lev 18:22, is still a point of contention today, in case you’ve been living under a rock.

I don’t really know how I feel about all this. I guess I’ll have to wait a year and a half, read what Jesus says about all the “old laws,” and get back to you. But I can see how all this made good sense at the time. No inbreeding, no butt stuff, and no animal f***ing. Cut and dried.

Also, in Lev 18:3, God speaks out against the whole “when in Rome, do as the Romans do” thing, because He specifically says to not behave like the Egyptians or like the Canaanites. Keep yourselves separate and holy.

Also also? God prohibits mother-daughter threesomes. (Lev 18:17. You’re welcome.)

Aaaaand on that note… I’m out! Peace!

Day 107

Using the Holmes and Rahe stress scale, I figure I’m up to at least 200 units and counting for the past twelve months. And that’s a conservative estimate. I’ve gotten three new jobs, quit three jobs, started a new close relationship, changed a number of my personal habits and responsibilities at work, changed my sleeping habits, changed them back, had my sleeping habits challenged and varied, had issues with my partner’s family, had issues with my family, lost touch with a bunch of friends… the list goes on and on and on.

In the past week I have shouted in anger, I have screamed in frustration, and I have cried in despair. These events are not mutually exclusive. My throat is sore right now.

The only response I got from God was “pray for patience.” I felt a calming in my soul, ever so slightly, at the words and feelings that came to me. But I’m tired. I’m tired and I’m angry. Now I see why Wrath is considered a mortal sin. It can consume you.

I was supposed to go to bed early tonight, can you believe it? The one night.

My birthday is coming up, and at this rate it is going to be but a temporary respite from all this. Even my three days off this past weekend did little to help me in the long run. There’s just been too much. I’m still not accustomed to this much chaotic change. I do not like it.


Leviticus 17

There’s a lot more in here about blood being the stuff of life and what is used for atonement and so don’t eat it, you guys.

But at the end, there’s something about being unclean from eating an animal that either died naturally or was killed by beasts that struck me:

“But if he does not wash [his clothes] or bathe his body, then he shall bear his guilt.”

— Leviticus 17:16, NKJV

I have seen some New-Age-spiritual-type beliefs that speak of water as a conductor of spiritual energy. I am reminded of that sort of idea from this passage and those like it.

I can picture now a “running off” of water from one’s body, and the cleansing effect it is supposed to have. I want so badly to wash away this anger… to wash away these tears, to wash away the sleep from my eyes. But I know, like a dumb animal or an obstinate child, I will return to them sooner than I would like. My brain, my body, my fragile animal vessel can only handle so much. My soul is tired… I want to sleep.

I am reminded of C. S. Lewis’ confession in The Problem of Pain:

“You would like to know how I behave when I am experiencing pain, not writing books about it. You need not guess for I will tell you; I am a great coward.”

I am a miserable, wretched wreck right now. I have had revelations in the past about turning to God, and about Christ coming to us in the middle of the storm rather than making the storm go away.

I will tell you right now, for all I have said and done, for all I have read, though I know in the future I will appreciate what I have gone through… I will tell you right now: I have had quite enough. I have no interest in weathering this storm.

God forgive my blasphemy, but I would rather it simply went away.

Day 106

Leviticus 16

Leviti-wha?

I just realized this is the last book of the Bible that sounds like a Harry Potter spell. Sad face.

Honestly, I do not understand this rackin’ frackin’ chapter. I’m bored of reading Old Testament instruction manuals. I hate to say it, but it is true.

“Here’s a bunch more offerings that Aaron has to make as high priest… yadda yadda clothes yadda yadda blood yadda yadda sacrifice.”

Pretty much the best thing I got out of reading some commentary is about how the goat is Jesus.

I’m starting to think that through Christian eyes, everything in the Old Testament is Jesus. The High Priest? Jesus. The sacrifice? Also Jesus. The other goat? Also Jesus. The “holy place” of the tabernacle? Not Jesus, but the door to heaven opened by… you guessed it! Jesus.

I think at some point I should sell bumper stickers that read

EVERYTHING’S COMING UP JESUS

but I’m not sure if I’d want people to buy them sincerely or ironically.

Anyway, old man Matthew Henry has some good commentary. I’ll just leave this here (and format it myself, because seriously this giant block of text hurts my eyes) and sign off for the night:

“Christ is both the Maker and the Matter of the atonement; for he is the Priest, the High Priest, that makes reconciliation for the sins of the people. And as Christ is the High Priest, so he is the Sacrifice with which atonement is made; for he is all in all in our reconciliation to God. Thus he was figured by the two goats.

The slain goat was a type of Christ dying for our sins; the scape-goat a type of Christ rising again for our justification. The atonement is said to be completed by putting the sins of Israel upon the head of the goat, which was sent away into a wilderness, a land not inhabited; and the sending away of the goat represented the free and full remission of their sins. He shall bear upon him all their iniquities. Thus Christ, the Lamb of God, takes away the sin of the world, by taking it upon himself, John 1:29.

The entrance into heaven, which Christ made for us, was typified by the high priest’s entrance into the most holy place. See Hebrews 9:7. The high priest was to come out again; but our Lord Jesus ever lives, making intercession, and always appears in the presence of God for us.

Here are typified the two great gospel duties of faith and repentance. By faith we put our hands upon the head of the offering; relying on Christ as the Lord our Righteousness, pleading his satisfaction, as that which alone is able to atone for our sins, and procure us a pardon. By repentance we afflict our souls; not only fasting for a time from the delights of the body, but inwardly sorrowing for sin, and living a life of self-denial, assuring ourselves, that if we confess our sins, God is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.

By the atonement we obtain rest for our souls, and all the glorious liberties of the children of God. Sinner, get the blood of Christ effectually applied to thy soul, or else thou canst never look God in the face with any comfort or acceptance. Take this blood of Christ, apply it by faith, and see how it atones with God.”

Good night, all. Peace be upon you.